Saturday, October 8, 2011

So Terrified of Change

If you would rather skip reading this whole post, this song can pretty much sum it. This link:

I went to a wedding today. It was beautiful. An old friend got married. It was sweet and expected and her groom is a literal peach. I love him.

But, all day I felt...I don't know how to explain it. Something just wasn't right. Not with anyone else - with me. Everyone has changed including myself, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Everywhere I looked and every person I talked to was changing. Old high school friends are in college and doing great. People are making college choices, falling in love, growing up, maturing, forgetting old friends...

It was more or less depressing. I figured out that I have a hard time with change. While I was talking to one of my best friends, the sun was shining, the breeze was perfect and we were happy. Sometimes, I just wish that moments like that could last forever. Wish that I didn't have to move on eventually. Wish that life didn't have it's complications, trials and heartaches. Wish that I didn't have to move away soon. Wish that my family situation wasn't so bad. Wish that people didn't forget about their old friends and get new ones. Wish that I could be the person I was and the person I am at the same time.

I reviewed some memories. I have a lot of them.

I remember sticking Big League chewing gum on my head with my best friend Carlee. Remember the rich moments of laughter with my 8th grade posse, Emily and Ellen. Remember Jesse Welch from 9th grade and all the times we bickered. Remember meeting my other best friend, Iain, on the soccer field when we were...what? Ten? Remember thinking Jessica and Carlee were "Mary Kate and Ashley" when I first met them. Remember camp moments with Onnolee, Candace and Courtney. Remember screaming at the Oakes from our huge hill - asking if they wanted to play. Remember sitting in the back seat of the van drawing pictures of every person in the Martin family with Iain...and Stuart actually.

Those days were simple. They were the days that seemed happy. No one was upset. No one tried to change me. I believed the best of everyone. I was innocent to what really happened in the world. I didn't have to look far for "real" friends. My family was happy-ish. School was the highlight of my week. I didn't have to navigate around feelings and emotions. Didn't have to talk about the hard things in life. Didn't have to face the painful truth. I was protected because of my innocence. Allowed to just live life in my own happy way.

Why do we have to change? Why can't those moments last forever? Why can't I avoid making decisions I don't want to make?

More importantly, why am I scared of the future?

I am. It's true. There are things that I want NOW but I have to wait to have them. But waiting might mean losing. That. Is. Terrifying. And certain decisions might mean losing. Or what if I make a decision, then it turns out that I have to back-track to fix the consequences?

At the wedding, I felt out of place. Like a sore thumb. Every one has changed, but it seems like everyone knows where they are going. Everyone but me. I did my best to be confident and seem cool and collected, but truthfully, everything on the inside of me is going 200mph. I don't know if it's hormone overdoses or what, but I hope it stops soon. It was uncomfortable and I can't really say why. Everything just felt...wrong. Or is it supposed to feel that way?

I feel a little like Peter Pan at the moment. Thank goodness no one is offering me a drink from the Fountain of Youth, because right now, I might be tempted to drink it.


Daniel G said...

ashley, i've felt that way before, it's part of growing up, we arnt really adults yet, and i know i dont really want to be yet, and yet were at that age where its inevitable, were going to be adults soon. just remember life isnt about us, although we think it is most of the time, its about Jesus and how we can serve him in every stage of our life. Hang in there!

Ashley said...

Daniel, thank you. You are always so encouraging. :)

Miguel said...

You don't know how many times I've felt that way; I'm going through the period right now, in fact. It's crazy how when we're younger, we just want to be like the "grown-up" without realizing that grown-up responsibilities are attached. But, the fact of life is that whether we want to or not, we will still grow up--provided God blesses us with the chance. And, really, the best part of life is also the hardest part, and that is change. I can guarantee that everyone struggles with this issue in some way or another; change is simply unnatural to us. It's always so painful... but change is good if we learn how to deal with it. So I'll make you a deal, cuz. You manage to keep your head up and live today--not yesterday--for Christ, and I'll try to do the same. The future might not always look bright, and sometimes the past is brighter, but the truth is that Christ makes things good. He makes change worth living for because He is the change. And besides, maybe some day you'll be the one walking down that aisle, glad that God was good enough to give you that future :)

Ashley said...

You're right. And I think that what you said is head knowledge, but its not heart knowledge. I know that, but I don't live like I believe it. And it isn't comforting and exciting like it should be. Well, I am excited...I guess fear is just more prevalent now. but, I guess it does boil down to living every day for Christ and trust Him to take care of things, even if it looks like He is taking you the direction you don't want to go. EHH! That's so easier said then done. And I suppose more time in prayer would probably help my unbelief...

Miguel, I'm tearing. Wow. Thank you for being such an example to me. All the time - seriously. We don't talk often, but when we do, I always feel encouraged.

It's a deal. :)

Charissa said...

I've felt like this too. The only thing I can say is: Live today. I've hardly ever succeeded at this, but it works and God helps. Whether or not you're feeling safe and happy and certain, live in the present and, well, treat it like a present.

God bless you. :)

Felipe Gama said...

"Every one has changed, but it seems like everyone knows where they are going. Everyone but me. I did my best to be confident and seem cool and collected, but truthfully, everything on the inside of me is going 200mph."

You acted cool and collected didn't you? Those other people were likely doing the same.

Everyone struggles at that age... it's the first ime in everyone's life where WE, not our parents or tutors, have to make a huge decision, that will influence the rest of our days.

And you know what? The hard part is not choosing what you want to do, the hard part is letting go of the things you cannot choose. Because until the point when you have to decide which college and career you are going to, you can still dream about anything, as crazy as it might be.

At 16 you can still dream of being an astronaut, a professional athlete, a rock star or whatever else you feel would be cool. Back in your mind you know it's just foolish dreaming, and that there's no reason to believe you would still become one of those things, but it's still not impossible.

One year later though, you have to make your choice, you have to pick what you are going to do for the rest of your life, and many things we dream about are out of our reach. And even if you do choose something you truly love, there are always things you love being left out as well. I think it's this knowledge, that you are officialy giving up on things you'd love to do, what pains us the much.

The good news though is that there's no need to push yourself too much, life is longer than people would make us believe, considering the pace they force kids to have during their education. There's time to come back and change your path if you choose wrong, so just follow your heart, and don't worry, for the better or the worse, you are the one on charge now.