Saturday, December 31, 2011

Headed to the Georgia Dome

In just two days I will join 22,000 other students in worship of the Lord.

Passion 2012, here I come.

Please pray for the hand of God to move mightily in each life, mine and everyone else's. Last year Passion raised 1,600,000 dollars for all types of causes; freedom of sex slaves, hunger, Haiti homes. . . Hopefully God will use this group of young people to be just as influential.

GEORGIA! Here we come. Be ready to see God's presence at the GEORGIA DOME!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

How to Stay Single Forever: A Guide to Utter Repulsiveness

If you want to stay single your entire life, then here are some good places to start. These things will make sure that no guy/girl is interested in you; thus, you won't have to worry or fret about the unknown, black waters of holding a relationship. I mean, who wants that stress? Try these things and who knows? Maybe you will never have to deal with that special person you've been dreading.

#1: Belch out loud.
For some reason people find pleasure out of burping the alphabet. If you do this, no wonder you're single. It's not cute. Not attractive. And not mature in the slightest. Guys, if you are trying to scare away girls, this is a lovely place to start. 99.999% of girls find burping totally repulsive. It's an unpleasant, bodily noise and if you're down-wind . . .well . . .need I say more? Women, this tactic works best for you all. Some people can tolerate men doing this, but a female? Heck no! It is unfeminine and just plain gross if you do it. Maybe you could pull it off in grade school, but by dating age? No way.

#2: Talk about yourself.
I've been in conversations with people who literally cannot talk about anyone but themselves. I wanted to run away and never speak to the person again. Bingo! There is your ticket! If you desire to live in solitude, be obsessed with yourself. Talk about your daily schedule, tell a weird story about you pet, describe in detail your mother's artichoke dip, and gab endlessly about anything the person you are trying to scare away won't care about. If you ask one single question about the other person, it might spark just a flare of hope that you aren't a self-obsessed jerk (which is how you want to be viewed, since in fact you desire no one special), so don't do it!

#3: Speak endlessly of finding yourself.
I'm not sure how you ever "find yourself" but if you talk about it all the time people are going to start wondering if you're lost.Not attractive.

#4: Mooch off your parents. Sorry, but it's not impressive if you are twenty years old and still depending off your parents for everything. It shows a lack of responsibility and proves that you are totally inconsiderate. So, if she seems interested in you (and you don't want her to be), slip the fact that you live in your mom's basement in the next conversation, or better yet post it on her Facebook wall. She won't stick around. (Disclaimer: I'm not dissing anyone. Obviously, this post is a joke.)

#5: Show off your gaming trophies and certificates.
I'm not sure there is anything as unattractive and annoying as someone who obsessed with video games. Games are okay in moderation. But, if you are the champion of Black Ops, Halo, Call of Duty, Runescape, and have beat every Xbox game. . .then, that's a little much. No person wants to have to compete for attention with a video game. If he starts talking about relationship stuff - your worst nightmare - then steer him towards your wall of awards. Proudly polish your "Frequent-Player" trophy and whip out the "Winner of the 2011 Gaming Conference" certificate.  

#6: Text at inappropriate times.
There is a right time to text and a wrong time to text. All you have to do is pick the wrong times. In the middle of church service, text your buddy. While he is trying to have a conversation with you, whip that phone out and text a cousin you haven't talked to in forever - anything to seem utterly obnoxious. While everyone is working to raise money for a benefit, text. That's a great time to look totally into yourself. In class? At work? In an uncomfortable situation? Corned by the person you are trying to avoid? Just text.

#7: Complain.
Oh yes, a classic jewel. Complain about your sore feet, over-sized nose, the temperature, or anything you can think of to make sure that person knows you hate yourself and life.

#8: Act desperate.
Act lonely, needy and possessive. No one wants to go out of his/her way to find you in the corner and be social. If you are standing in the corner and acting pitiful, you will be left that way. Embrace this tactic. Better yet, get one other close friend to stand in the corner with you. The two of you must converse quietly while looking around the room fearfully. Maybe even nibble on cheese. If the other person tries to leave you, grab his/her hand and make a scene about how you can't be left alone.For those watching, this is just plain cah-REEPY.

#9: Be obsessed with Facebook. Nothing is less attractive than a girl who comments on every status and is a Facebook stalker. Tip: Bring facebook into every conversation. If she is trying to talk to you, ask accusingly, "Did you hear this on facebook?" Then, act uninterested in the answer is no. Stalk people as much as you can. If he comments on a picture, you comment on his comment. If he comments on a status, you comment too. Like what he Likes. Join the groups that he joins. Poke him all the time. Ew.

#10: Master your posture.
~ For men, walking is essential; hold your arms a good four or five inches from your side, hold your chest high, and whatever you do, DON'T swing your arms. Your arms must move to and fro with your body like stiff, muscular, bars of steel. Yes, you read it right. Muscular steel. If you can imagine what muscular steel looks like, be that. If you can't imagine it, watch the fights, then be that. This "Ima-gift-to-women" posture only works if you master your facial features.  You must, and I mean MUST, master the straight face. A full smile communicates that you are happy and approachable, which is the last message you want to convey. And half-smile says you're comfortable and dashing. That's bad too. Try to avoid frowns because they draw too much attention. But, if you master the straight face, you'll be in business. To do this, look in a mirror for a while and relax your face muscles. Success is achieved when your lips form a straight line. Learn to do this constantly, even while people are trying to communicate with you and make you laugh. To top it off, acquire the eye-brow. Cock one eyebrow, slightly and stiffly over the other. This combo will make a stiff, awkward, unhappy-looking person. Perfect for your single needs. Keep in mind that this works best if you have zilch muscle and are a sissy boy in every regard.

~ For ladies, the ideal scare-all-men-away posture is simple and natural. First, slouch your shoulders as much as possible. If you do this, your neck will be like a protruding beacon and will look insanely large and unusual. If you really want to be repulsive, let your chin point towards the ceiling and leave your mouth slightly ajar. Next, never do anything with your arms. Let them hang like dead weights at your side and make sure they are like ripples from your body; they move like your body moves, only in exaggerated motions.When you walk, make sure that it's a light shuffle; allow people to hear each foot movement. And like with men, the face is very important. You have to keep your eyes on nothing in particular and have a hazy, dazed-out look. 

Yeap, that's all I got for you, munchkins, you.

Peace, recycling, and solitude,
Dr. Love (aka Ashley)

© 2011 Dr. Love. 
Feel free to share the included wisdom with those in need, but reference the author, Dr. Ashley Love.

Monday, December 26, 2011

My Many Homes

So, I got to celebrate Christmas a few times.

On the twenty-third with my mother and sister. We opened presents from each other and had a really good time laughing, eating, cleaning the house and watching a movie.

Then, we celebrated on the 24th with my Nashville family. Man, I can't even begin to describe how wonderful the time was. I got to be with ALL my brothers - which rarely happens because everyone has different schedules and lives so far away. Well, we chatted it up and played with my nephew, Kyle, and talked to my brother, Kalen, and Peggy about their coming baby. Poor Peggy is due in just a few days - she was craving chocolate too. So funny and adorable. My youngest brother, Micah, was jamming on the guitar, and my oldest brother, Jayson was trying hard to keep Kyle out of trouble. Graham was gabbing his head off about planes and I stood in the midst of it all, totally in love with my brothers.

Then, I celebrated Christmas, on Christmas (finally) with my second Nashville family - the Watsons. Okay, well they are not really my family, but they might as well be. Supposedly, Becca, Jessy, Carlee and I were sisters at birth, but our parents decided to spilt us up between another couple because we were too awesome of children for them to hoard all for themselves. The original parents are undetermined because they deny the truth of the story. Well, that is at least the rumor that's going around. . . Anyhow, we had SO much fun. Wow. I honestly would never have chosen to spend the day any other way. The Watson's had some of their family in. Their Grammie, Papa, Grandma and cousins. So, it was good to see of my extended family.

Today, I celebrated with my St. Louis MO family. All the kids, cousins, Aunts and Uncles. It was a total riot and always is. I suggested compiling a legal document, declaring that none of the parents or teenagers would be liable in case of a child's injury during present-unwrapping time. But, that was sorta a fail. Seriously guys, we have 10 kids in the family all under 11. When it's time to unwrap presents, I tuck myself safely in a corner and I'm picking pieces of wrapping paper out of my hair for a few hours. . .

Guys, I'm not going to lie; God has really dished me a load of challenges in this life. There are a ton of things that I wish were different about my family. But, during times like this - namely Christmas Eve with my Nashville family - I wonder what I don't have. If things weren't the way they were, I very likely may not even have the privilege of knowing my precious brothers and being a part of my two nephews' life. I wouldn't know the joy of family reconciliation, if I had never known a broken family. I would not know the beauty of love-despite-the-circumstances, if I had never witnessed the circumstances.

I find that insanely ironic and beautiful. Given the chance, what would I change? What would be different? Nothing. Honestly, nothing. I love what I have too much. When you are right in the middle of a situation, sometimes it's hard to see God's timely planning and why He's doing what He's doing. But, lemme tell you, don't give up on God; He actually does know what He is doing - no matter how hopeless you feel and how annoyed you are at Him. Just wait.

I realized something this Christmas. If anything was to ever happen to me or my family, we would have a lot of homes. I have a lot of homes outside my home. I'm incredibly loved. I can't believe that, but it's true. I don't understand what is lovable about me, but for some reason, I could count dozens of people that would take me in in half a heartbeat.

Forgive me, Lord, for taking such a thing for granted. Many people in this world don't know what family is. I have family; immediate family, extended family.. . .adopted family. . .and the family of God.

But, pushing aside the earthly, there is one love and one home that trills me more than the rest - by far! I have a home outside of this home and out of this world. Heaven. There is someone who has promised to take me and has taken me; My Jesus. What a love, man. I thought this family was awesome, but - whoo - my heavenly daddy has put this earthly congregation to shame. word.

I was glad to be reminded of this on Christmas. We watched The Nativity on Christmas and it was so incredible how Christ (the Highest King of Kings) came as a baby to be humbly born, humbly rule and gloriously save the people of the world from their sins. For me and for you. To top that craziness, He has promised us a heavenly home.

Yeah. I have earthly insurance; I know that if anything happens to me, my family or my house, I will have people to care for me. But, if something happens to my body and I die, God has promised to house my soul (and eventually my glorified body) forever. What beauty!

Today, I'm thanking God for my many homes; earthly and heavenly. I'm thanking God for allowing my family and my life to be the way it is. For allowing me to witness the joys and pleasures I have. For bringing special companions into my life and - the greatest of all - for holding my hand the whole time.

All the time, God is good. God is good, all the time.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Just A Shout Out

Right now it's midnight. I'm waiting to see if my SAT scores will come out on the stroke of midnight. Ya know, my SAT has really been a source of stress for me. I've been all OCD about getting amazing grades so I can get into my ideal college choices. I've taken the SAT three times and the ACT once. Let's just say that every time I take them, I get pretty uptight. For some reason, I have felt like only a perfect-incredibly-above-average score is acceptable. But, it's not. No, there are lots of other scores completely acceptable. Everything I do, I want to be perfect at. But ya know what? I made a discovery; if I'm good at everything, how can I be great at anything? I'm smart. I study hard. But, I would never venture in calling myself an academically inclined student. Yes, I know how to study and get good grades, but that is a lot different than natural smarts and testing skills. I don't have those things.

This fact used to totally eat me to pieces. I was not satisfied with my SAT grades. My highest grades thus far is a 1680 (SAT) and a 23 (ACT).

So, I took it over and over, determined to be noticed for my academic achievements. Well, I learned something, I'm never going to be recognized because of my academic achievements, cause I haven't done that much.

Before, this fact killed me. But now, I don't really care that much. Don't get me wrong; I believe in doing your best in everything, but I think I've let good grades and recognition become and idol in my life. I don't have to be perfect. No one (especially not God, who really is the only one who matters) is going to judge or hate me because I didn't get a 2400 on my SAT. No one. Just myself.

And it doesn't matter what grade I get and what college I go to - as long as I'm serving the Lord, that is really all that matters. The rest will just burn with the earth one day.

I could let the thought that everything is going to burn depress me, but it doesn't. Somehow, I don't find that thought depressing at all! In fact, it's inspirational! The things I don't do for Christ will be gone with the wind one day, but the things I do do unto His name and His glory will store up treasure in Heaven. Therefore, I can't worry or fret or idolize anything, except my Savior.

It's late and I don't know if you all are picking up what I'm laying down, but I find this thought rather cool. It's freeing to realize that idolizing something is just a waste of time. Idolizing school, music, friends, or whatever is pointless.

So why do it?

I think getting a good grade would be pleasing to God, but now, I don't really care what I got. I did my best and the results are up to Him. I'm not going to worry,stress or fear. If my scores mean that I have to take remedial classes, then He will help me take them whole-heartedly.

Well, they haven't be released so I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Rotting Teeth, Overalls and All Associated Thoughts

Sometimes, I think thoughts about other people that appall me the moment I think them. I guess this is a good thing. Good that I recognize them as appalling, I mean.

But, yesterday, at work I had a ridiculously awful thought about a costumer that came in. He and his wife were obviously hillbillies, had rotting teeth, and looked like they just walked off of Old McDonald's farm.

When they came up to my register, I thought, "Ew."

Literally. That is what I said to myself.

But as soon as I did, I realized how utterly sinful that was of me. How could I judge these two people by the way they looked? Yes, they were definitely rough, but for me to draw a conclusion about them was nothing short of wrong. By seeing a human that seemed like a "lower-life being" (for lack of a better word), I automatically got a prideful attitude - feeling like I was not as gross and disgusting as them. Yeah, rotting teeth are not something anyone would wish for, but my overall conclusion of them had a lot less to do with their teeth than it did with my pride. I got a little puffed up because I was "better" than them (and like I have anything to do with that!!).

Thankfully, God convicted me right after I thought that. It was like He said, "Ashley, remember me?" Yes, instantly, I remembered Him.

There is something dirtier and grosser than any person on earth: my sin. I tried to offer it to the Lord, but He said, "No good." Only His Son's sacrifice would do. How could I forget that favor bestowed on me? How could I forget that the Holy Lamb of God, took my filthy rags, my offensive sin, and my unworthy soul and made it white as snow on the cross. How could I forget that the Son left glorious Heaven to sleep in a manger with prickly hay and animals?

How on earth could I forget that Christ left His Father to eat with sinners, to heal their diseases and to love them? He came across a lot of freaky looking people - I assure you. He touched lepers! If you don't know, lepers have a disease called leprosy which makes parts of your body and your facial features fall off. And I'm weirded out by some rotting teeth and overalls? How superficial I am!

Jesus came to walk and talk with adulterers. He spoke with the blind, deaf, and lame. Man, some of His biggest fans were some really "low-life beings." And how did Jesus react? With love and mercy. He touched them and was surrounded by them. He didn't say, "ew" like He could have. He showed them the way to heaven because He wanted to bear their sin and their imperfections. He wanted to spend eternity with them. He wanted them to know life.

Wow. I'm so sinful.

 I am super thankful that God convicted me of that right when I thought it. I decided to make an extra special effort to reach out to them - I guess I was trying to make up for what I thought. I ended up really liking those two. They were hearty, country people and they were totally fun. We talked a little about Christmas, and I even found something in common between me and him - he was gluten free! 
After they took their food to the table, I vowed to not make deductions like that again. I can never see into the heart . . . but even if I could, I wouldn't be permitted to judge any way. I would still be commanded to love.

Several verses would fit nicely here, but one sticks out in my mind. Micah 6:8, "He has shown thee, oh man, what is good and what the Lord requires of thee. To do justly, lvoe mercy and to walk humbly with thy God."

Three areas where I totally failed. I wasn't fair, wasn't merciful and was definitely NOT humble.

Glad we have a forgiving God.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Oh, So College Really Isn't About Me?

Okay, so I've had a ridiculously selfish attitude about college. For some reason, I've been under the impression that I need to attend a place that is going to be comfortable and perfect for me. I didn't want to go to a non-Christian school and I wasn't too hip on going to VolState, since that is the least exciting and glamorous place I could be.

Well, gradually God has been changing this attitude in me. Thank goodness. I don't know what ever made me feel like that attitude was acceptable or pleasing to God. My life isn't about me . . . much less college.

College decisions have been very heavy for me. See, I worry a lot. I fret and think (too much) about one decision for a long time. I like to plan waaaay ahead. So when I felt like I was being led to declare a different major, I was really thrown for a loop. Suddenly, I got really really stressed out about school. Nothing felt comfortable any more because my set-in-stone (right) plan had been devastated.

Honestly, I think I sinned a lot during that whole process. God tells us to trust Him and not too worry. I didn't trust. Guys, I was SO stressed out. Looking back, I can't even put a finger on exactly why I was. I was doing mega research, trying to make sure I knew exactly what I was doing, like I'd never heard of "changing majors" or "taking a different path" before. I kinda felt like I had to have a concrete plan for the next four years.

Not so. Only God has a concrete plan. No duh.

Eventually, God kinda said, "Hey, Ash, you are kinda being a brat about the college situation." And He was right. I was being a brat. I was whining all the time because I didn't have this and that figured out and this was still up in the air. . .

Then it got worse. My area of interest changed and that left one practical college option: VolState.

My first thought: "Ew."

I didn't want to go to VolState. Anywhere but there. I had heard too many horror stories about the college's shortcomings. But, when I laid out my options, I couldn't deny that it was the wisest choice. And dang it, since I want to be like Christ I guess I have to be wise. . . :D

I was invited into their honors program, so I went to the Honors Night to see how it's done. Weeeellll, whaddaya know? The guy who heads up the program is no one other than Doctor Pemintel, my sister's least favorite teacher. I won't even go into some of the awful things he has done.

Anyhow, needless to say, I was really discouraged. I didn't want to go to Volstate and I DEFINITELY didn't want to be in their honors program.

I was crushed. In order to do what I wanted to do in college, I couldn't go to a glam-glam school, with nice dorms, Christian education, and a tight-knit community. I would have to give up my dreams of being comfortable and having everything my way and resort to staying at home another year and attend low budget community college.

I whined. A lot. And I feel really bad about that. How can I feel like whining to God is okay?

But, God has been working in me and I'm so excited about that. He has been changing my heart and mind about this whole situation. For some reason, I'm not so bummed about going to VolState. I'm excited about it. I'm excited about furthering my education and I'm not even concerned about where that takes place.

I finally realized that college isn't about me. Freeing thought, right? Once I realized that, the decisions and pressures of college seriously reduced. If I'm just going for God, then I can make a wise, practical decision and be sanctified through whatever situation that choice leads me into. You know, God really does have a method to His madness. When He says, "trust Me" it's actually for a reason. Some people (like me) just learn that very slowly. . .

So, the decision has been made. I'm going to VolState. I don't know where one year will take me and I really don't care. I'm going to go, do my best and see what happens.

I've been even more encouraged about this after talking to a friend, JP, on Thursday night. He was sharing with me some of the ministries on his college campus that he has been able to be a part of and the people he has been in contact with. It kinda dawned on me, "Ya know, it doesn't matter where I am, this is what I've been commissioned to do!" Share the Gospel and glorify God!

Freeing. Simply freeing. 

The first person I met at VolState was a lesbian. This totally freaked me out at first. Then I realized what an incredible sacrifice God has made. He gave up the glories of Heaven and loved and cherished sinners. Surely, I can give up a few of my petty ideals without murmuring. Surely, I can learn to embrace this situation. Surely, I can be strengthened to witness that girl. Surely, I will educated.

Through God, of course. And doesn't everything revolve around Him? Through Him, for Him, with Him . . .

It really isn't about me.

Freeing. Simply freeing. 

Sunday, December 18, 2011

But God

Today, I was in I awe of the Gospel. May it never stop awing us.

I was reading John 6 - my favorite book of the Bible, by the way - and I read a section about Jesus witnessing. I was suddenly struck with wonder at the simplicity of the Gospel. It is so straightforward and understandable. No other religion is like that. Most religions (if not all) require some action in order to be worthy, holy or enter heaven.

But not Jesus' Gospel.

There is one thing we have to do - then everything else falls into place.

Could this be why so many people have a hard time accepting the wonderful Gospel. Could this be a factor why the Pharisees and Jews could not wrap their brains around it? Who can fathom a love this enormous that requires literally nothing on our parts? Expect believing. . .
I don't mean that all we have to do is believe in Him then forget about Him. Of course not. Once we believe our lives will be changed and we will begin to live and desire to live the Christian life. That requires hard work, but it will be a joy. 

That isn't what I'm talking about. I'm speaking of our initial salvation. It comes through grace alone! Undeserved, unexplainable favor. 

In John 6, right after Jesus had feed the 5,000 and then crossed the sea, a crowd of people questioned Jesus.

They said, "What shall we do that we may work the works of God?" Basically, they wanted to know what hoops they had to jump through to gain everlasting life. Christ's answer was mind-boggling! I got so excited. He lays it out plain and simple - no fine print!  

"This is the work of God, that you believe in Him who He sent."

Wow. You don't have to restrain from eating certain foods, live your life in sworn silence, sell yourself, or kill people in the name of Allah. You have to believe. What love is there on this earth that comes with no strings attached, no hidden motives, and no prerequisites?
The Jews and Pharisees were blinded and prideful. They didn't want to accept that they could do nothing to affect their eternal state, except believe. They didn't want to accept the beautiful charity that comes with the Gospel. 

God is loving and gracious. And all He says to us is, "Come as you are and believe."
What a love! What a friend! What a Savior! He doesn't require a thing from us because He knows better than anyone else that all we can bring to Him is filth. Putrid filth. The debts we owe we cannot pay. The debt I owe to God - for my selfish, wandering sin - I will never be able to pay in and of myself. I deserve to burn in hell.

But God.

Yes, but God.

He sent His Son to pay the debt I couldn't. And now, nothing is required of me. What I owed was paid for when Jesus, the precious, perfect Lamb of God, died. 

The Gospel is simple. Yes, there are some theological issues that get a lot of people's feathers ruffled - understandably. But, the central most important thing is Christ's death and resurrection. Because He is alive, I can live too. And all I have to do is believe. 

God forbid that we should live a day and forget to fall on our faces in awe of such indescirable mercy and grace. 
Oh, but God.

Praying at Night

When you feel God calling you, don't delay. Don't hesitate. Forget the circumstances. Forget how tired you are.  Just do it.

God rewards those who obey.

I would not normally share details about my prayer life with you all, but since a few of you are praying for me and I feel like this important, I'll share.

While I was in bed last night - after quite a long day - I felt the urge to pray. It came over me so strong. I don't know exactly how to describe that call to prayer. It was a gentle nudge on my soul that I couldn't shake and couldn't forget about. My heart was heavy and God was saying, "Come to me." In a sense, I heard Him loud and clear.

For those of you who don't know, I'm horrible at praying. I'm the most ADD when I bow my head. In a lot of ways I have used my lack of focus and diligence as an excuse not to pray. And in turn, that excuse has lead me very far away from my Daddy.

I said, "I'll pray tomorrow. I'm tired." But, as soon as I started to drift to sleep, I awoke suddenly - with that same urge to pray. Finally, lazy-me consented.

Guys, if you have been reading my blog, you know that I've felt far away from God for some time now. I've been going through a dark stage where I really have no passion, no zeal, no love and no light. Yeah, maybe a little here and there, but nothing really thrusting me into the Word, evangelism and prayer.

I got right with the Lord last night. Last night, God moved me to confess my sins and identify my idols. He lead me into sweet prayer and my heart was conditioned for worship this morning.

I'm excited again. I forgot how wonderful it is to speak to the Lord. I forgot how amazing the Gospel is. I forgot how radically life-changing God's presence can be. I'm so excited about Christmas now! This morning in church I was rejoicing at the thought of Baby Jesus and was excited about death and His coming. For the first time in a while, I'm pumped about getting in the Word and praying.

I'm SO excited.

Of course, communion and intimacy with God isn't guaranteed because of an experience. I have to cultivate this little flame that popped up and pour over it in prayer. I have to dig into the Word before I get spiritually lazy and surround myself with good people and God-glorifying things. I have to re-prioritize and surrender my idols.

But, I'm SO excited.

Thanks for reading and thanks for your prayers.

Tip: Don't ignore Him.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Very likely my anger, frustration and bondage are all a result of my own shortcomings.

I'm the one who forgot to pray, didn't follow the Lord, and haven't trusted Him. Yeah, there are things on the outside of me that are rubbing me the wrong way and are overwhelming me, but I'm the one who has allowed myself to drift away from God. I'm the one who left.

These situations and problems I feel like I can't do anything about are probably even mroe overwhelming than usual because I've forgotten to confide and find help in my strong friend and father. Jesus.

I guess its all my fault then. . .

A Problem

I have to pray more. I just realized this.

I've begun to starve myself and I'm letting it happen. This is bad.


I've never considered anger as one of my character flaws. I mean, normally I do a good time handling my anger. I let things go relatively easy, but tonight. . .

I'm angry.

I have been for a long time. So, maybe anger is a character flaw? *shrug*

Sometimes, this anger wells up in me when I don't expect it. Suddenly, I'm angry and upset at people. I get mad about the same thing. But, I can't find a word for what makes me so upset. Is it injustice? No, prolly not. Selfishness. Dysfunction. Judgment. Abandonment.

All those feel like they fit. I have been let down and I'm angry. Someone put me out majorly when they made some decisions. It's changed everything about my life. Everything. Everything I used to be, has changed. Who I'm with, who I am, how I think, my emotions. They are different and I'm angry about that.

But, maybe I'm the one who is selfish if I'm getting angry about this.

I'm angry because I feel like I have to hold this all in. Everyone expects me to be okay, but I'm not. Not at all. I'm not happy, I'm not okay. I'm functioning, but that's it. I can't hold this in anymore. I feel like I have duct-tape on my mouth. I feel like I'm in bondage....

Yes. I feel like I've been trapped and I am angry about that.

I can't go on like this. Please pray for me.