Well, gradually God has been changing this attitude in me. Thank goodness. I don't know what ever made me feel like that attitude was acceptable or pleasing to God. My life isn't about me . . . much less college.
College decisions have been very heavy for me. See, I worry a lot. I fret and think (too much) about one decision for a long time. I like to plan waaaay ahead. So when I felt like I was being led to declare a different major, I was really thrown for a loop. Suddenly, I got really really stressed out about school. Nothing felt comfortable any more because my set-in-stone (right) plan had been devastated.
Honestly, I think I sinned a lot during that whole process. God tells us to trust Him and not too worry. I didn't trust. Guys, I was SO stressed out. Looking back, I can't even put a finger on exactly why I was. I was doing mega research, trying to make sure I knew exactly what I was doing, like I'd never heard of "changing majors" or "taking a different path" before. I kinda felt like I had to have a concrete plan for the next four years.
Not so. Only God has a concrete plan. No duh.
Eventually, God kinda said, "Hey, Ash, you are kinda being a brat about the college situation." And He was right. I was being a brat. I was whining all the time because I didn't have this and that figured out and this was still up in the air. . .
Then it got worse. My area of interest changed and that left one practical college option: VolState.
My first thought: "Ew."
I didn't want to go to VolState. Anywhere but there. I had heard too many horror stories about the college's shortcomings. But, when I laid out my options, I couldn't deny that it was the wisest choice. And dang it, since I want to be like Christ I guess I have to be wise. . . :D
I was invited into their honors program, so I went to the Honors Night to see how it's done. Weeeellll, whaddaya know? The guy who heads up the program is no one other than Doctor Pemintel, my sister's least favorite teacher. I won't even go into some of the awful things he has done.
Anyhow, needless to say, I was really discouraged. I didn't want to go to Volstate and I DEFINITELY didn't want to be in their honors program.
I was crushed. In order to do what I wanted to do in college, I couldn't go to a glam-glam school, with nice dorms, Christian education, and a tight-knit community. I would have to give up my dreams of being comfortable and having everything my way and resort to staying at home another year and attend low budget community college.
I whined. A lot. And I feel really bad about that. How can I feel like whining to God is okay?
But, God has been working in me and I'm so excited about that. He has been changing my heart and mind about this whole situation. For some reason, I'm not so bummed about going to VolState. I'm excited about it. I'm excited about furthering my education and I'm not even concerned about where that takes place.
I finally realized that college isn't about me. Freeing thought, right? Once I realized that, the decisions and pressures of college seriously reduced. If I'm just going for God, then I can make a wise, practical decision and be sanctified through whatever situation that choice leads me into. You know, God really does have a method to His madness. When He says, "trust Me" it's actually for a reason. Some people (like me) just learn that very slowly. . .
So, the decision has been made. I'm going to VolState. I don't know where one year will take me and I really don't care. I'm going to go, do my best and see what happens.
I've been even more encouraged about this after talking to a friend, JP, on Thursday night. He was sharing with me some of the ministries on his college campus that he has been able to be a part of and the people he has been in contact with. It kinda dawned on me, "Ya know, it doesn't matter where I am, this is what I've been commissioned to do!" Share the Gospel and glorify God!
The first person I met at VolState was a lesbian. This totally freaked me out at first. Then I realized what an incredible sacrifice God has made. He gave up the glories of Heaven and loved and cherished sinners. Surely, I can give up a few of my petty ideals without murmuring. Surely, I can learn to embrace this situation. Surely, I can be strengthened to witness that girl. Surely, I will educated.
Through God, of course. And doesn't everything revolve around Him? Through Him, for Him, with Him . . .
It really isn't about me.