Wednesday, December 28, 2011

How to Stay Single Forever: A Guide to Utter Repulsiveness

If you want to stay single your entire life, then here are some good places to start. These things will make sure that no guy/girl is interested in you; thus, you won't have to worry or fret about the unknown, black waters of holding a relationship. I mean, who wants that stress? Try these things and who knows? Maybe you will never have to deal with that special person you've been dreading.

#1: Belch out loud.
For some reason people find pleasure out of burping the alphabet. If you do this, no wonder you're single. It's not cute. Not attractive. And not mature in the slightest. Guys, if you are trying to scare away girls, this is a lovely place to start. 99.999% of girls find burping totally repulsive. It's an unpleasant, bodily noise and if you're down-wind . . .well . . .need I say more? Women, this tactic works best for you all. Some people can tolerate men doing this, but a female? Heck no! It is unfeminine and just plain gross if you do it. Maybe you could pull it off in grade school, but by dating age? No way.

#2: Talk about yourself.
I've been in conversations with people who literally cannot talk about anyone but themselves. I wanted to run away and never speak to the person again. Bingo! There is your ticket! If you desire to live in solitude, be obsessed with yourself. Talk about your daily schedule, tell a weird story about you pet, describe in detail your mother's artichoke dip, and gab endlessly about anything the person you are trying to scare away won't care about. If you ask one single question about the other person, it might spark just a flare of hope that you aren't a self-obsessed jerk (which is how you want to be viewed, since in fact you desire no one special), so don't do it!

#3: Speak endlessly of finding yourself.
I'm not sure how you ever "find yourself" but if you talk about it all the time people are going to start wondering if you're lost.Not attractive.

#4: Mooch off your parents. Sorry, but it's not impressive if you are twenty years old and still depending off your parents for everything. It shows a lack of responsibility and proves that you are totally inconsiderate. So, if she seems interested in you (and you don't want her to be), slip the fact that you live in your mom's basement in the next conversation, or better yet post it on her Facebook wall. She won't stick around. (Disclaimer: I'm not dissing anyone. Obviously, this post is a joke.)

#5: Show off your gaming trophies and certificates.
I'm not sure there is anything as unattractive and annoying as someone who obsessed with video games. Games are okay in moderation. But, if you are the champion of Black Ops, Halo, Call of Duty, Runescape, and have beat every Xbox game. . .then, that's a little much. No person wants to have to compete for attention with a video game. If he starts talking about relationship stuff - your worst nightmare - then steer him towards your wall of awards. Proudly polish your "Frequent-Player" trophy and whip out the "Winner of the 2011 Gaming Conference" certificate.  

#6: Text at inappropriate times.
There is a right time to text and a wrong time to text. All you have to do is pick the wrong times. In the middle of church service, text your buddy. While he is trying to have a conversation with you, whip that phone out and text a cousin you haven't talked to in forever - anything to seem utterly obnoxious. While everyone is working to raise money for a benefit, text. That's a great time to look totally into yourself. In class? At work? In an uncomfortable situation? Corned by the person you are trying to avoid? Just text.

#7: Complain.
Oh yes, a classic jewel. Complain about your sore feet, over-sized nose, the temperature, or anything you can think of to make sure that person knows you hate yourself and life.

#8: Act desperate.
Act lonely, needy and possessive. No one wants to go out of his/her way to find you in the corner and be social. If you are standing in the corner and acting pitiful, you will be left that way. Embrace this tactic. Better yet, get one other close friend to stand in the corner with you. The two of you must converse quietly while looking around the room fearfully. Maybe even nibble on cheese. If the other person tries to leave you, grab his/her hand and make a scene about how you can't be left alone.For those watching, this is just plain cah-REEPY.

#9: Be obsessed with Facebook. Nothing is less attractive than a girl who comments on every status and is a Facebook stalker. Tip: Bring facebook into every conversation. If she is trying to talk to you, ask accusingly, "Did you hear this on facebook?" Then, act uninterested in the answer is no. Stalk people as much as you can. If he comments on a picture, you comment on his comment. If he comments on a status, you comment too. Like what he Likes. Join the groups that he joins. Poke him all the time. Ew.

#10: Master your posture.
~ For men, walking is essential; hold your arms a good four or five inches from your side, hold your chest high, and whatever you do, DON'T swing your arms. Your arms must move to and fro with your body like stiff, muscular, bars of steel. Yes, you read it right. Muscular steel. If you can imagine what muscular steel looks like, be that. If you can't imagine it, watch the fights, then be that. This "Ima-gift-to-women" posture only works if you master your facial features.  You must, and I mean MUST, master the straight face. A full smile communicates that you are happy and approachable, which is the last message you want to convey. And half-smile says you're comfortable and dashing. That's bad too. Try to avoid frowns because they draw too much attention. But, if you master the straight face, you'll be in business. To do this, look in a mirror for a while and relax your face muscles. Success is achieved when your lips form a straight line. Learn to do this constantly, even while people are trying to communicate with you and make you laugh. To top it off, acquire the eye-brow. Cock one eyebrow, slightly and stiffly over the other. This combo will make a stiff, awkward, unhappy-looking person. Perfect for your single needs. Keep in mind that this works best if you have zilch muscle and are a sissy boy in every regard.

~ For ladies, the ideal scare-all-men-away posture is simple and natural. First, slouch your shoulders as much as possible. If you do this, your neck will be like a protruding beacon and will look insanely large and unusual. If you really want to be repulsive, let your chin point towards the ceiling and leave your mouth slightly ajar. Next, never do anything with your arms. Let them hang like dead weights at your side and make sure they are like ripples from your body; they move like your body moves, only in exaggerated motions.When you walk, make sure that it's a light shuffle; allow people to hear each foot movement. And like with men, the face is very important. You have to keep your eyes on nothing in particular and have a hazy, dazed-out look. 

Yeap, that's all I got for you, munchkins, you.

Peace, recycling, and solitude,
Dr. Love (aka Ashley)

© 2011 Dr. Love. 
Feel free to share the included wisdom with those in need, but reference the author, Dr. Ashley Love.


Carleeeeeee ;p said...

Ugghh...this is so funny! The last one is the best. Do guys not realize that the "Macho-I-Have-No-Neck" look is SO gross. Lol, out of all 10 of these I have atlest 2 of them. Lol, I complain too much and talk about myself/family WAY TOO much, I've noticed. Lol, good post thought. ;)

Ashley said...

Dude, what? You don't talk about yourself too much. I think you're an awesome listener. If you did, I wouldn't be your best friend. Lol. You have a good balance, hun.

Carleeeeeee ;p said...

Hahah...what? We both know I'm destined for singleness...for life! Lol, and I noticed how you said nothing about how I said that I complain to much. Are you trying to hint at something? ;)

Miguel said...

Aha! Now I know how to combat, and DEFEAT, my natural niceness and perfection :P Thank you very much, Dr. Love.

Ashley said...

@Carlee: Whatever girl! You won't be single. Well, I guess I can't really say that for sure, but I don't see you being single. Ah, you complain a little, but it's mostly just ranting about inconveniences, not really like hating life or yourself or anything. So, no I wouldn't classify you as a complainer.

@Miguel: No problem, doll. I give private consultations of Thursdays. Call me.