Monday, September 5, 2011

Introducing the Real Ashley

There are scores of people around me. Yet, I feel alone.

I have been shown plenty of love. Yet, i have no love to give.

I have been blessed in so many ways. Yet, I don't feel happy.

My prayers are being heard. Yet, I don't hear answers.

This may be a tough post to write. I honestly haven't felt this..dry in a very long time. It's scaring me. I don't really have motivation to cultivate relationships, blog, or do anything well. My bubbly flat and boring. I don't really have energy to go do anything fun. And worst of all, I feel so far away from my Lord Jesus Christ. This has been going on for a while now and I've been fighting it. I've been hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold....and now, I just feel plain cold. I have no fire.

What in the world?

I want to be real with everyone. So, the best way to do this might be to share a clip of my journal entry this evening. "My fire is gone. I feel like my zeal for You has been snuffed out and I can't understand why. Actually, I haven't been reading my Bible much lately. I don't even try to pray anymore. I keep asking, "God, where are You?" but the more appropriate question is, "Ashley, where are YOU?" You haven't moved. You never do. You are by my side like You have always been. So, whats with the wall between us? Did I put that there? Guess so. How foolish I am. Freedom is in glorifying You and being held in Your arms and I've pushed myself away. Why on earth have I done this? I guess these questions require some serious digging because its obviously a problem with my heart. Daddy, come get me. Take me away again." 

If you remember me, please pray. I desperately need to go back home. There are a LOT of issues going on with me and my family these days. Honestly, its a mad house. Sometimes, I feel like I can't get away. This is the time I thought I would be running to the Lord the most, but I haven't. And the result is, well, ugly blackness. I hate being around myself.

Anyways, I'll stop complaining on and on because the truth is, its really my fault.

So, I'll try to keep up blogging as best I can. If I blog, they will be lessons I'm learning. Like today. Just read a great Psalm 116 and 118. Very encouraging for a discouraged heart. They highlighted the mercies of the Lord. I really suggest reading them slowly, with feeling. Kinda made them pop for me. The first verse of 116 was seriously great for me to read.

"I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live."

That verse is amazing to me. The fact that I turn away from Him and push away but He still inclines His ear to me...that is a reason to rejoice. A real reason.  



Daniel G said...

Ashley I'm praying for you, none of us are perfect, we All stumble and fall and loose are way, but god is always right there just waiting for us to ask him to pick us up, one of the most encouraging verces I can think of says that when we can't pray for our selves the holy spirit prays to the father on our behalf with gronings to deep for words. That's amazing, were having bible study the 2nd Tuesday ask off and come, I know how your feeling, and that helped me

Kaylin Waldrop said...

Hey cuz, you are definitely not alone in feeling like this. I've felt like that many times in my life. You would think at some point I would figure it out, but I have not yet arrived. Even Paul admits in Philippians 4:12-14 that he hadn't even figured it all out, and he wasn't perfect, but he was pressing on, "forgetting what is behind and straining toward what it ahead."

I can't remember who told me this, but do you remember the story about the prodigal son? Well, if you think back to that story you'll remember the younger son ran off from home and squandered all the wealth his father had given him. When he realized he was alone and couldn't make it own his own, he decided to go back home. But he was nervous and scared. He was just hoping to get to be hired as a servant. But as he was slowly making his way back, his father saw him in the distance and RAN to meet him and celebrated his return. Now who did the most work in this situation? The father. Can you imagine the father waiting for his son's return...constantly looking to see if he was coming? The father was just waiting on his son to turn back, and when he did the father didn't hesitate to welcome him back. This is a picture of our heavenly Father. There may be times when we leave home, but he is standing there waiting for us to realize we have wandered off. And when we do, He will run to meet us and bring us back to himself. James 4:8a says, "Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Keep pressing on towards God. He's there.

"I pray that our of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus Throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

I love you girl. I will continue to pray for you, and now more specifically in this area.

PS: the verse Daniel mentioned above is in Romans 8:26.

JoyFaith said...

Oh Ash, you made me start crying and I will so pray for you. I love you with all my heart.

JoyFaith said...

BTW That was Shiph

Daniel G said...

Thanks Kaylin I didn't know where that was

Jessy said...

Hey Asha i have 1 or 2 things i wanna say...


2: at the church camp we went to with Gene carman the speaker there said somthing i thought i shoud share with you.
He was saying how its not that you need to get "fired up" for God to amny people get fired up and they think its gonna stick and it doesnt,its just them gettin caught up in the moment,month,week,day. Now its not bad to get fired up for God but,the problem is it only sticks for a little bit. they see a flyer for a missions trip and wanna go and they seem like really great christians and then as soon as they get back....plllllllttt they stop eing fired up for the Lord. Basically what we need is not a "fire for God" that only lasts a little while but a passion an everlasting passion for God.
And sometimes the hard times are what the devil throws infront of us to test our faith and see if we have an everasting passion or just a little tiny fire burning that will soon enough burn out.
And you would think now would be the time that we do run to God but thats the problem.The only time we like to be thankful to God is when everything is going well. And its everyone not just so-and-so.

So just remember it needs to be an ongoing passion not just being fired up! I dont know how to tell you to how keep that passion but i have had many people tell me this....If you pretend to listen in class soon enough you actually do listen.
So maybe just constantly have the additude of i am blessed no matter what,i do have a God that loves me no matter what and eternally. There is NO need to be worried or afraid.

Sometimes a hard time can be God re aching out his hand and saying "stop trying to fix everything your way and just trust me because i can handle"

I love ya sis sorry if that was confusing.

Ashley said...

@Daniel: Thanks so much Daniel. I have thought about that verse a few times since you posted that. Encouraging. I was trying to picture God groaning and it was...disturbing, but made me feel really loved.

@Kaylin: Kaylin, you are a good cousin. Thank you so much. I forget this all the time. His love really does surpass all knowledge. Thanks for your uplifting words.

@Shiphrah: You are so sweet girly. Thanks for praying. I love you SO much too.

@Jessy: Aw, JJ, you are so encouraging to me. Just the fact that you spent the time posting that comment really makes me feel special. I love your mini sermons and it wasn't confusing. I'm going to make this my motto: "So maybe just constantly have the additude of i am blessed no matter what,i do have a God that loves me no matter what and eternally. There is NO need to be worried or afraid." Good stuff, lil' sis.

@All: Thanks for the prayers you guys. I feel lifted up and more ready for challenges because of you all.

Logan said...

Praying for ya! I hope everything gets better soon. Stay in the Word.